


still as the sea

by atemzug



Series: we make waves [1]
Category: BTOB
Genre: Alternate Universe - Beach, Childhood Friends, Emotional Infidelity, F/M, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:32:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22080280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atemzug/pseuds/atemzug
Summary: Bigger waves are far more dangerous, but far more exceptional.
Relationships: Jung Ilhoon/Lim Hyunsik, Jung Ilhoon/Son Naeun, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: we make waves [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2083911
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	still as the sea

**Author's Note:**

> [cries](https://open.spotify.com/track/7hG0a3aQKH8rVXDfIRQ4ch?si=OHARoJwDQwK2GC6VmEzd0A)

The sand feels warm under Ilhoon's toes, comforting. He walks a little further until the water reaches up to his ankles. It's warm. But it's not what he wants. He's waiting for something bigger, grander.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Do you think I'd make it," Hyunsik asks Ilhoon on one cold winter eve, "if I tried becoming a musician like my father?"

Ilhoon scoffs. "Sure," he replies, if just to satiate his friend with an answer. It's not the first time Hyunsik's ever talked about wanting to do music. Sure, he can sing and play instruments - he can do those things really well, too, if Ilhoon were to admit - but the music industry is one that's very manufactured. It would be such a waste for someone as raw and earnest as Hyunsik. 

Hyunsik sighs, tired of Ilhoon's mocking. He smiles nonetheless, soft and warm, just like the blanket he'd wrapped around Ilhoon last night when the latter accidentally fell asleep on his bed. "You can't even spare some time to  _ really _ think about it, can you?" he replies. He looks out the window. It's snowing lightly, signaling that the year is almost ending.

Ilhoon shrugs. "Just saying," he reasons. "I mean, I guess it depends how you define  _ making it.  _ Like, making it big? Or just, you know, getting to put something out at least once?"

The truth is, he'd rather not  _ spare some time and really think about it. _

"It's almost Christmas," Hyunsik states instead, dropping the subject entirely, this time choosing not to humor Ilhoon anymore like he always did. "What do you want?" he asks, finally looking back at Ilhoon.

For some reason, Ilhoon is at a loss for words. This is the first time Hyunsik has ever asked him what he wanted for Christmas; he's always just gotten Ilhoon something, certain that whatever it was he gave, Ilhoon would be happy to receive. It seemed so direct, too, as if it's not just a simple question of whether he wanted a new, nicer pair of earphones or a new coat. It's as if Hyunsik is asking him  _ what he wants. _

What  _ does  _ he want?

Ilhoon shakes his head. Clearing his throat, he answers, "Anything."

" _ Anything. _ "

"Yeah, just get me anything," he confirms. "What about you?"

Hyunsik hums in consideration, looking away again. Then his lips form into a smile, and suddenly Ilhoon knows what he wants.

He wants to kiss Hyunsik. He wants to tell him he's been feeling something weird in his stomach every time Hyunsik plays him a song on his guitar, or every time Hyunsik smiles at him with so much warmth, or every time Hyunsik's eyes visibly soften whenever his gaze lands on Ilhoon. But Ilhoon doesn't dare. It's too risky.

"I want a star," Hyunsik finally answers, "but that would be too hard, wouldn't it?"

" _ A star _ ," Ilhoon echoes. "Anything less, you know, impossible?"

Hyunsik laughs. "I guess anything would work, too, as long as it's from you."

"Alright," Ilhoon says, nodding his head. "I'm shopping with Naeunie tomorrow, anyway. Might find something you'd like."

And Hyunsik does it again, looking at Ilhoon with his soft eyes and even softer smile. At that moment, Ilhoon really wants to just lean in and do it, press his lips against Hyunsik's to feel how soft they are even just once. But he looks away. 

"I better go," he tells him. "Minjoo-noona's probably waiting for me."

Hyunsik nods once, humming a yes. "See you later."

"See you later," Ilhoon echoes.

He doesn't know that this would be the last time he'll ever see Hyunsik up close. He doesn't know how much he'll regret later that he didn't dare. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He's been waiting for quite some time now. The waves are still too small, only ripples barely reaching the shore. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"He really did it, didn't he?" Naeun says quietly. She's sitting on the couch in Ilhoon's small apartment, looking comfortable. It's the weekend, and she spent the night over straight from work.

They've both been living in the city for quite some time now. It's a lot different from when they were in their hometown, where everything was comfortable  _ and  _ familiar. But they're not kids anymore. They can't hide behind their mothers' backs when something scares them anymore. Comfort is a privilege they can't afford anymore.

"He did," Ilhoon replies blandly. He uncaps two bottles of beer before moving back to the couch. He hands one to Naeun and they clink the bottles together. This has been the norm for the past few months or so. It's nice, but it's not the same as him staying over at Hyunsik's house almost every weekend a few years ago. 

All of that is just a memory now, though, stored in the very back of Ilhoon's brain. Hyunsik is just a memory he keeps, and for what? He wouldn't be running around telling people  _ 'Hey, I was friends with Lim Hyunsik!' _ None of his family would be doing that, either. Surely Naeun wouldn't be doing anything like that, either. 

"Without anyone even knowing he's Lim Jihun's son," she continues. "I mean, I knew he was good at this music thing, but I didn't think he was _ this  _ serious about pursuing it."

Ilhoon just grunts and shrugs in reply. He still isn't sure how he feels about all of this. It's like one moment, Hyunsik was there, real and tangible; the next moment, Ilhoon can only see him from his TV, high and unreachable. 

It doesn't help that Naeun seems to care way too much. Her lack of impassivity is admittedly disconcerting. Maybe she's just as shocked as Ilhoon when they just found out one morning that Hyunsik was gone, and the next thing they know, he's playing that old guitar on stage in front of many people.

He doesn't want to be bitter about Hyunsik's success, but every time he sees him on his TV, he realizes how much everything has really changed. Hyunsik isn't the same person anymore. He's not the kid Ilhoon used to know, the one he and Naeun used to play with at the beach and walk to and from school with. Uncomfortable. Unfamiliar.

In contrast to Hyunsik, Naeun  _ is  _ both comfortable and familiar. Ilhoon basks in the sense of normalcy she's been giving him ever since Hyunsik left. She's like an anchor, in a way; she reminds Ilhoon of better, simpler times. She's a reminder of what it was like to be happy and carefree. 

In contrast to Hyunsik, Naeun  _ isn't _ Hyunsik. Ilhoon misses the way Hyunsik makes him feel like he's always on the edge of his seat, waiting for something exciting. If Naeun is an anchor, Hyunsik is a sail; he makes Ilhoon want to be free. He makes Ilhoon want to search for better, grander things, for happiness, instead of settling with what he can get. 

He wonders, if maybe he'd told Hyunsik he always believed he'd make it, would Hyunsik still be there?

_ Yes,  _ a small voice in Ilhoon's head nags; it's the same voice that doesn't let him sleep at night, always reminding him of what he and Hyunsik could've been had Ilhoon not been too afraid to tread the waters. Because he sees Hyunsik on his TV screen, and despite all the changes, he's still the same Hyunsik Ilhoon loves, still the same pair of eyes he wants to be lost in, still the same pair of lips he wants to feel against his.

Ilhoon's still the same person who would never dare to do anything about it. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He finally sees it from a distance, something only someone who's spent most of their life observing the sea closely would notice. He starts walking, wading in faster. He deeps the water, and the waves, big and strong, crash over him. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Hyunsik arrives one hot summer day. 

Ilhoon doesn't hear about it until three days later.

He sits on the shore, staring out into the horizon. The sun is high in the sky, shedding warmth, shining brightly, reflected by the still waters. 

It’s only been a few months since he and his fiancée, Naeun, had both moved back to their hometown. Life in the city was great, especially since he had Naeun, someone he’s known since he was a literal child, but they both found it too tiring. Life here is a lot simpler: they live in a small house near the beach, both their parents’ homes are only a few minutes’ drive away, Minjoo and her own family are a few blocks away too, and they get to spend every day together.

If only happiness were this easy. If only contentment came without a price. 

"Ilhoon?" someone suddenly calls from behind him.

He freezes. He'd recognize that voice anywhere. It's still as rich and as resonating as ever.

He feels the warm sand shift beneath him, and when he dares to glance sideways, Hyunsik's already sitting beside him, looking out into the distance.

Ilhoon has a lot of questions, but what comes out of his mouth first are the words, "What are you doing here?"

Hyunsik shrugs. "Taking a break."

"Oh."

"Heard you and Naeun already settled here," Hyunsik continues. "Congratulations on the engagement. I wish I could've been there." 

_ I'm glad you weren't there,  _ Ilhoon thinks,  _ or it might not have happened at all. _

Ilhoon's always thought that the moment he meets Hyunsik again, there'd be a whirlwind of emotions in his chest. But right now, he feels calm, as still as the waters staring back at them. 

"Have you been well?" Hyunsik asks when Ilhoon takes too long to respond. His voice is soft, calm; it makes Ilhoon feel comfortable.

"Yeah," he says. It's not entirely a lie, but it's not the most honest answer either. He's been well, but he could've been doing better. "You?" he manages to ask, remembering to at least be decent and polite to a stranger - which Hyunsik  _ is  _ to him now.

"I met my dad," Hyunsik replies, so casually, as if he hadn't spent half of his life telling Ilhoon about how his mom always refuses to talk to him about his dad. 

"Really?" Ilhoon asks. He wonders why Hyunsik sounds so resigned, like this wasn't what he'd wanted in the first place. 

"Yeah."

"What did he say?"

" _ Congratulations _ ."

"That's it?"

Hyunsik shrugs. "What else are you supposed to tell some random, young musician you happen to pass by?"

Ilhoon turns his head to face him. Now that he had the chance to actually look at him, he notices that his side profile looks different too. The world along with its harshness has hardened him, but his edges are still as soft and raw as ever. Ilhoon's always been good at dancing on the edge of Hyunsik's razor.

"You didn't tell him?" he asks softly.

Hyunsik lets out a sigh. "I decided it wasn't worth it," he answers, lips forming into a soft smile. "What's the point, anyway?"

"Didn't you always want to meet him?"

"Yeah, and I  _ did  _ meet him, just not in the way I initially thought."

"Why, though?" 

"I don't know, really. Maybe one day, I'll tell him."

Ilhoon looks away again, shifting his gaze back onto the horizon, where he's always unconsciously wished he could go and explore. The sea is so vast, a mystery among mysteries, there's so much to discover. In a way, Hyunsik's always been like the sea, calm, mysterious, as if there's always something that's waiting to be revealed without him consciously trying to hide anything. But when a storm brews, it's dangerous, the waves are big and it washes over everyone.

"Did you never really think I'd make it?" Hyunsik asks suddenly.

Ilhoon lets out a laugh. "I always thought you'd make it," he admits. "I guess that's why I badly didn't want you to do it."

At that, Hyunsik looks his way. 

He always knew Hyunsik would make it. But he also knew that once Hyunsik makes it big, he would be away, unreachable, like one of the many stars in the sky Hyunsik had once said he wanted as a gift for Christmas. Maybe that  _ is _ what he'd gotten on  _ that _ particular Christmas.

Then, a warm hand is suddenly on top of Ilhoon's. It feels rough, a musician's hand, one that's touched too many instruments and too many lives. 

It's such a shame, because now they're different people. Hyunsik isn't too keen on meeting his father through music anymore, his life now set on something else. Ilhoon isn't too afraid to dare do the things he's always wanted to do whenever he's with Hyunsik anymore either, but his life has already been decided.

It's such a shame, indeed, because now the odds are a lot different, too. All they can do is keep each other's hand warm, while the ring on Ilhoon's finger sits cold.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It's done. It passed. The waves have crashed. The waters have stilled. Everything is back to normal. Ilhoon is back to waiting, each time a little more resigned than the last.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Dad!" Jiwoo calls, smiling and giggling, still standing close to the shore. Naeun follows closely behind her, watching with a fond smile on her face. 

Ilhoon's waist-deep in the water, arms outstretched for their daughter. "Come on, Jiwoo," he calls. "It's okay, the water's still." 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!
> 
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.qa/crashingfalling)


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